I’ve moved.
jobs, houses, cities – you name it – i’ve moved from one to another more than once. an outside observer might say this behavior is flaky. maybe that outside observer is right. but the one thing that all of these moves have in common: purpose.
while it may look random or haphazard, each move, each big life change has brought my family closer in line with the ideal life that we’re seeking to live. it’s this relentless pursuit of our ideal life, our values, our priorities that makes what seem like massive decisions to other people (moving cities, swapping careers, selling houses) relatively straightforward “yes or no” considerations.
my wife and i have a simple heuristic for every “big” decision: “does this move us closer in line with the life we desire to live?” if the answer is yes, we move forward without too much more consideration than that.
Don’t sweat the small stuff, and while you’re at it – lump as many things into the ‘small stuff’ category as you can. i know It seems overly reductive. the folks I’ve talked to about it have told me as much. But life can really be that simple. stresses dissipate, fulfillment and contentment flourish, happiness grows. For many people that seems like a pipe dream. something they’ve been seeking mindlessly and without intention for years and years, only to be left with more stress than they started with, a pit in the stomach where there should be fulfillment, and deep unhappiness. I’m convinced this epidemic stems (at least in large part) from failing to take the time to think about what is desired out of life.
here’s how:
step 1
take time to ask yourself: “how do i want others to define me through my actions?”
There are a lot of ways to think about this question – entire books written about systematizing the discovery of your values. at the end of the day, the simple approach works for me. I just ask myself the question, and write down my answers. For me this has taken a few different forms. I’ve written down “i am” statements (i.e. ‘I am a person that sacrifices my time to help a friend in need’; ‘i am self-reliant but aware of my shortcomings’). I’ve written my own eulogy (yeah – morbid but pretty eye opening). I’ve completed a number of “values inventory” activities. These are helpful too, but I find that they are more retrospective than prospective. this step is about prospection.
regardless of how you do it, take the time to ask yourself how you want others to define you. don’t worry about how you think your actions are defining you now – that’s not relevant. What you’re doing now is unaligned to your priorities and values because you’ve not taken the time to define them. a quick warning though – for people who haven’t taken the time to do this, it can be deeply unsettling to learn the truth of the common human predicament: we desire our life to be a reflection of a certain set of values, but our life does align with that desire. That’s normal so Give yourself a little grace here. after all, a journey of a thousand steps and all that.
step 2
dream.
I’ve always been a creative person. As a kid my imagination ran wild. As an adult, it still does. I think there’s a tremendous amount of power in our imagination. the hokey concept of a “manifesting mindset” is made significantly less hokey when you put it into practice and find that it is working. Don’t be afraid to dwell on the life that you desire for yourself. While it can be a form of escapism that’s probably not helpful, it is a powerful practice that keeps your goal outcome fresh and constant in your mind. for me, that dream is of living in close community (both proximally and emotionally) with those In my life I most love. for you, it will probably be something else.
For many, dreaming has been hijacked by advertisements and culture that inundate us with the dreams they want to sell us. We dream of a nicer house, a nicer car, a better salary, a more expensive purse, top-of-the-line electronics. But we almost never stop to ask ourselves why it is that we dream of those things. what is it about the dream of “more” that is even compelling in the first place? Step 2 is about dreaming intentionally. stripping away what we think our dreams are and diving deep into the core of what we really desire for our lives. It’s hard to do, especially when we don’t have a practiced habit of self-awareness – but over time it gets easier and easier to question our own motives and desires and uncover what the core of our being is crying out for.
so do just that: use your imagination, and be wary of the preconceptions that you didn’t even willingly choose to put there.
whatever the dream is – allow yourself to dwell on it. If you’ve got a spouse or significant other, dream together. If (like me) you’ve got a group of like-minded folks that the dream life involves heavily – dream with them. Invite people in to your circle to share in that vision and talk about it. make plans together. take delight in the dream and let it create in your a sense of longing.
or maybe, you’re lucky. Maybe you find that the dream that you have for your life looks a lot like where your life is today. More than likely, that would be because you’ve already taken the time to build the life you dreamed of. If you still find yourself reading this though, maybe you haven’t.
step 3
make a list.
by now you’ve thought through the values that you want to define you and the dream life that you desire to live. if you’re like the majority, there are some misalignments. time to start rectifying that.
Start setting some goals that help you align yourself to those values. They don’t need to be huge, but they should be clear. And if they’re too big, break them down into smaller chunks. Write the list down somewhere – I find the notes app on my phone to be a great place to start. Or, more recently, I’ve started just putting my thoughts here on the site. Wherever you keep them, do yourself a favor and write them down.
Maybe you said that you want to be defined by your love for travel. Perhaps you dream of a life where you’re seeing the world and living each day as a new adventure in a new place. depending on your circumstances, that might be unattainable right off the bat. but you can get yourself more aligned with simple goals: I’ll take a trip to somewhere I’ve never been this year. I’ll walk around a part of my home town that I’ve never walked by before.
the key here is actionable steps. write them down, make a list.
step 4
Live intentionally.
intention is a dead simple concept to live with, and (at least from the observations i’ve made in my own life and the lives of those around me) an impossibly easy thing to overlook. make a habit of being intentional with your life. it’s been said: show me where you spend your time, and i’ll show you where your priorities lie.
If we’re not careful, we’ll spend our time unintentionally and our priorities and values and dreams for our lives will become a forgotten part of our identity. it’s easy to get caught up in the hustle of our culture and tie ourselves to commitments that don’t give us life or fulfill us.
change that.
live with intention. say no to things. be courageous. make changes. this life is too short to live it without intention.
cultivate in yourself a vision for what you want your life to be and you will unlock within you a super power of decision making. you’ll find that decisions that were once a struggle to consider all of the ramifications for become easier and easier as they are reduced to the simple question of: does this move me closer to the life I want to live?